For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Romans 7:15 ESV
I don’t know when I started realizing that what I was learning in God’s ‘school of holiness training’ was not sticking. Naively, I assumed that once I ‘learned my lesson’ and practiced the new behavior, I could move on to something else. At a certain age, maybe in my 40s, I began to see that Jesus was recycling past teaching points over and over. When I would mention this phenomenon to some older-in-the-faith Christians, they would flash a gentle, but knowing smile of agreement.
For example, I’d have victory over fear by God’s grace, only to fall back into imagining the future as though it were up to me and my limited resources. How embarrassing that I could forget what had I had painfully learned not that long ago about the sin of fear.
Or, I would have been gently chastised by Jesus for boasting and talking too much about Maria, repented and relished one, maybe two victories. Only to catch myself repeating the same self-centered behavior.
The Holy Spirit reminded me this week of another sin pattern that I have yet kill. My sometimes-patronizing attitude with Mike.
To the woman he said, “……. Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you.” Genesis 3:16 NIV
It happened like this. The other night, Mike started to share with me how discouraged he felt about his YouTube channel where he reads children’s classics out loud. He has a good voice for reading, is skilled at narrating, recording and editing audio books. This channel is his gift to anyone who loves to be read to. He does it without seeking compensation.
What was causing him to feel pessimistic and disheartened? The relative few views of some recent videos.
Instead of listening quietly with love and compassion, I launched into ‘Parent Mode’, practically interrogating him on his motives for starting the channel. And how he should not only not look at his YouTube analytics, but should also go out into the community and find children or senior adults who would love to be read to.
Had he asked for my advice?
What motivated me to be so didactic instead of gentle and patient, intent only on understand his feelings?
It was Eve’s sin, that of wanting to rule over, to shape and mold her husband according to HER image of what he should be like. I’ve done this numerous times. It is disrespectful and puts distance between us.
I could tell that I had gone too far but I tried to cover for myself by saying, “I’m so glad we have reached the point in our marriage where we can speak the ‘truth in love’ to one another. Afterall, I give you permission to speak into my life, too! “
You need to know that Mike NEVER treats me this way. If he thinks I am doing something wrong, he’ll tell me directly. He won’t manipulate and hide his ulterior motives like I do.
I went on trying to soften my ‘lecture’ by adding, ‘Keep adding more content to your channel. This is a really good and worthy project. It doesn’t matter if it only benefits a few people. It’s your gift to others, however many or few.”
Poor Mike didn’t know how to deal with the mixed messages I was sending.
With no real resolution, we transitioned by watching a Netflix series we like while eating our supper. The evening passed without any more discussion on that topic.
That night, I couldn’t sleep. God gave me severe leg cramps and some arthritic pain. When I sat down with him yesterday morning, he had my full attention. It was only then that I saw my sin. And felt shame, remorse and pain for how I had hurt Mike.
What made it harder to swallow was that this is not the first time I have ‘scolded’ my husband. This is neither loving nor honoring to him, nor to God the Father who created him nor to Jesus who died for him.
When Mike got up a while later, I immediately confessed my shameful display and asked him to forgive me. He was so gentle and comforting to me. I also asked him to pray for me to be the kind of wife God intends.
With each lesson repeat, I see how gracious and patient the Holy Spirit is with us. Yes, we fail. Yes, we have to relearn lessons and practice new patterns of thinking and acting. The good news that brings me peace is this assurance, this promise:
And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns. Philippians 1:6 NLT
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